i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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