So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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