she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
