it's too hot outside to masturbate.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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