I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
