Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
