twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just pee around me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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