omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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