I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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