WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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