I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im holly from the hills drunk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
