I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
