I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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