Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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