what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
