when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
