see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
