My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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