The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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