I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
