just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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