Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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