What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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