In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
