allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
