you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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