The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
