2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
