Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
