peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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