Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
