I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
