I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
