y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
