I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
