I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
