Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
