I think i peed on brittanys purse
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
