it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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