Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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