i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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