We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
soo... how was my night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
