Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
