just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
