I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think my moral compass just broke
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