we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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