I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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