i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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