Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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