I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
