my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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