mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
