took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
