Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
